unexpected tears



I buried myself alive on the inside
So I could shut you out
And let you go away for a long time

My mom introduced this band to me. She bought the CD and played it for me in her honda civic. It must have been around 2003, three years before she died. She loved The Used, and because it came from my mom I thought "meh... whatever..."

But within the next few months they blew up and were all over KROQ. She said "see, I told ya!"

She held her hands in this funny way on her steering wheel when she drove, and leaned in, and always sang loud... with her music blasting in the background. One of her little quirks that I won't ever forget, and after she died when I started driving again, I realized I do the same without even thinking. Many of her mannerisms are mine, too.

I said I was going to start telling you about the hospital, and maybe I still will, but these memories are coming back to me so vividly, and right on top of each other, so I figured it's best to just write them as they come.

I was so proud of myself this morning for going to bed early, waking up early, meditating, making breakfast and remembering to take my vitamins... as I ate my eggs and toast, this song popped up on my shuffle, volume all the way up...

In the past, I might have been too triggered by my mom's memory- or the memories of the few years before she died, so I would just change it. But this time it pierced right through my heart and I couldn't stop listening. I started crying so much that I couldn't chew, and I was kinda stunned by how quickly this flooded me with emotion.

I close my eyes and I see her in her car, singing this... she's just right there. If only I could jump into my mind and be there, too. I open them, and I'm here in my kitchen, eggs still in my mouth- hot tears streaming down my face. Close again, see her. Feel her around me. It's just so bittersweet.

It's not about the song. The song is a tool that helps bring her back to me. It's amazing how these little things can bring back so much.

Song: Buried Myself Alive - The Used 

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