I’ve got a big heart, and I’m not afraid to use it.
So, Mother’s Day just passed. I hope everyone had a neutral day at the very least. If it was great, even better! For me, it’s a tough day… which is to be expected for someone who is both Motherless and Childless.
But, it did inspire some really profound meditations in me. I was both extremely sad and extremely happy. As cliche as it sounds, dare I say, feeling #blessed. 😉
There’s nothing like a near death experience to make you grateful to be alive. Well, it took me many years to have that feeling of being thankful to be here, but now that I’m feeling it.. I’m all in! And yes, my near death experience was 15 years ago, so a while. Anything to do with my mother or her memory always ends up being a messy mix of feelings about her, and even myself: grief, sadness, happiness, longing, and going back to the night she died and I almost died. I’m working on separating those things so I can experience her memory without thinking of the way she died, but for now, I’m embracing the mess of it all.
I allowed myself space and time to process the feelings this day brings up in advance. I cried, I laughed, I looked through photos and let the sadness wash over me.
For many years I was not able to do this, so the day would completely take over me and I’d feel lost. This year was so much smoother.
Since I allowed myself to be so upset the Thursday before Mother’s Day, Sunday was filled with grateful feelings. I keep saying “My heart feels so full”.
It’s made me reflect on my big ass heart and what I feel called to do.
I love hearts. I have one tattooed on me. The heart shape represents love, happiness, passion.
I’ve always thought and led with my heart. It’s gotten me into trouble, but it’s also allowed for me to experience the greatest happiness.
My Mother’s death rocked me to my core, it felt like my heart got ripped out and put back in. It left me wide open and vulnerable.
My own near death experience showed me we can be gone in the blink of an eye.
Instead of shutting down and not letting anything in, it had the opposite effect on me.
I feel everything. I sometimes wish I didn’t, but other times it’s my super power.
And I feel called to show others who want to learn how to do the same. This is why I call myself both the Feelings Fairy and Your Queer Fairy Godmother. It plays on my strengths and what I wish to give to the world.
This is also why I’ve shared so much of myself, my heart, and all of my experiences over the last 6 years, all over the internet. To connect. To help. To show the world you can have hope after great tragedy and loss.
It’s what I’m here to do. Use my heart, boldly, without fear. And hopefully help heal and inspire others to do the same.
It feels good to come to these realizations after years of wondering why the hell I am the way that I am, why I put so much of myself out there. I used to think “for what?”. Now I know.
What about you? Are you a part of the big hearts/big feelings club?
You can join me in my FB group "The Feelings Fairies" if you'd like! Let's start a little community!
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